Thursday, May 26, 2011

Its Not That Big of a Deal

So there we were only hours into enjoying our gorgeous baby wondering why it had taken so long for the nurses to bring back.  Kyle and I were snuggling with our baby in the hospital bed staring in awe at this little human being that made up half of each of us.  Could there be a better feeling?

The nurse came in with the pediatrician, looking to speak with us in what we thought was just a routine visit... They began speaking to us like we knew what they were talking about it, like we saw what they all had seen and known. "We're pretty sure Matthew has Ds."  I remember thinking in my head DS?  What is that?  They continued going on with their conversation as if what they were saying was routine and ordinary.  We asked them why they thought that and they pointed out "typical characteristics",  (that I guess to them were obvious but to us it was just moms ears, toes and really long tongue) and then they said those dreaded words, "Its really not that big of a deal.  Many people with down syndrome (my question was answered) go on to live happy enriched lives.  Some have become actors like that one actor in that very popular show (they couldnt even remember his name)."  Kyle then looked at them and said "So youre saying that he might have down syndrome (the words lingered on our tongues)..."  Then the pediatric nurse said "No I'm telling you that he does. I hope I'm wrong but I'm 99.9% sure that he has it (what exactly is it?)."  And just like that she asked if we have any more questions (Questions?!  We barely knew what it was, how could we know what questions to ask?) and then she turned around and left. The blank stare in disbelief and unsurety never really left our face, we just looked at each other, looked at Matthew who was perfectly wrapped and snuggled in my arms throughout the whole conversation, and didn't mention it for the rest of the evening.  All we really knew at this point was that Matthew was healthy, he would sleep with us that night, he was beautiful...what more could any new parents want?  And at this point, nothing could take me off this natural high. Wednesday rolled around, Kyle researched what he could in the short time frame and we were convinced that Matthew didn't have anything.   We told my mom and aunt, they both just kept re-assuring us that he was fine. He was perfect, just beautiful.

We headed home that Thursday afternoon, and arrived to a beautiful display of our yard filled with a life-size stork and a ton of pink flamingos... they should really make blue flamingos for boys but, oh well, it was memorable.  We put Matthew in the living room with our guests and I went to freshen up.  I turned the corner and saw Kyle standing in the kitchen and just fell into his arms crying.  Looking back I'm not sure why I cried so hard, perhaps just afraid of what it all would really mean.  The pity party was short as I had a newborn baby to love and care for.

We went to Madds new pedi. Dr B on Friday where we got the perfect reminder that we just needed to go home and love him and care for him, afterall, he was just a baby.  Kyle and I were both moved to tears as we asked the Dr what his thoughts were as we recalled the pain of the disconnected way the hospital Dr gave us Madds difinitive dx.  His response was calming as he told us there was no way to tell unless we were to get a blood test, in which the results would take two weeks. We opted to go ahead with the testing.  Those next weeks I spent all my time researching and reading medical sites, blogs, community discussions.  Anything I could get my eyes on, I read it.  As much as I wanted to believe what everyone kept saying "He's fine." "There's nothing wrong with him."  "The doctors are crazy." I knew in my heart that he was fine, that there wasn't anything wrong with him, and though I wanted to believe that these Drs really were crazy, I didn't need a test to tell me that he did in fact have an extra gene, as his mother I just knew.  Sure enough as the weeks passed,  I cried again in hearing the definitive news, there was no longer any guessing or wondering, it was, what it was.  I wanted to talk about it till I was blue in the face, thats just how I am, I live in truth and thats just how I cope.  Kyle felt there was nothing to talk about, so we didn't. 

And that was the end of that... looking back the words "its not that big of a deal" really made me cringe, and though at the moment I hated the lackadaisical way the dx rolled of the hospital pediatricians tongue, she was right, its really not a big deal at all.  What does it all really mean anyway, and who is anyone to tell me what my son is or isn't? 

Matthew is ours and I'll tell you what he is.  He is beautiful with the most gorgeous gray eyes, he is smart, he is in love with me and his da-da, he loves music, he's funny, energetic, strong, cuddly and absolutely the most loving little boy you'll ever meet.  He is da-das perfect son and ma-mas perfect precious little baby boy.   He is the greatest blessing we could have ever asked for.  

1 comment:

  1. Teri-

    This blog is beautiful. You are such a beautiful writer I'm brought to tears. Madd is beautiful and adorable and just as he should be. I love the honesty in this and your attitude rocks. Madd has one amazing and strong mommy! I'm so proud of the woman you've become. Love, C.